I've made a promise to myself, years ago, that if and when I ever won this lawsuit, I was going to do this. So, here goes.
My name is Guy Padraic Hamilton-Smith. In 2006, when I was 22, I was arrested for possession of child pornography. I know that's going to shut a lot of people down right there, and I totally get that.
I'm responsible for my actions. Starting when I was a teen, I developed a really unhealthy relationship with porn. I was bullied pretty badly, and so I found retreating to the relative safety of the online world to be comforting.
Porn became an hours at a time thing for me. As time wore on, I found my way into different branches of it, different types of porn. One day, when I was in high school, I came across an image of a nude girl, probably 14 or so. At first, it kind of freaked me out because I had this dull awareness that it was wrong. As time wore on, the taboo nature of it drew me back, and I began to download that amongst pretty much everything else that I came across.
There were times when I'd delete everything and swear I'd not go back to any of it, but I could never stick with it. I was in pretty deep denial, while at the same time in grad school for clinical psychology (ironic). I was terrified to ask for help, and some part of me knew I needed it, but I couldn't ask.
So help came. My then-girlfriend stumbled across my pretty massive collection of porn, which included child pornography. She went to the police. I remember being in the interrogation room, and just crumbling. I confessed, and I felt so glad to finally be done lying about it.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the arrest saved my life, even in spite of the consequences that have flowed from that -- consequences which I accept complete and unequivocal responsibility for. It got me into recovery, and it showed me a calling that I never would have encountered otherwise -- law.
My experiences with the criminal justice system, as terrifying as they were for me personally, inspired me to apply to law school. I disclosed everything, and was accepted to the University of Kentucky. I did well, publishing a law review, competing on the National Trial Team and National Moot Court team, and getting a CALI award for my work with the Kentucky Innocence Project, and graduating in the top third of my class (while finishing felony probation and working two jobs).
I was denied the ability to sit for the bar exam by the Kentucky Supreme Court, however, until I am no longer present on the registry despite the fact that I have finished my criminal sentence. In Kentucky, I will be 49 yers old when I'm off the registry.
Rather than sit on my laurels, I have endeavored to do what I went to law school to do anyway: be an advocate. To that end, I have used my story, my experiences, and legal training to do what I can to advocate for more effective and humane sexual offense policies and laws, to help those who struggle with addiction, and to advocate for those who have no advocates.
Happily enough, I am a member of such a class, so while I cannot use my legal training to represent anyone else, I can use it on my own behalf. To that end, I am the plaintiff in a federal civil rights lawsuit in the Eastern District of Kentucky which overturned a group of Kentucky statutes that barred anyone on the registry from social media use (which occasions this AMA). You can read the decision here.
I have a lengthy story, with a lot of different aspects to it. AMA about my story, about recovery from porn addiction, about being on the registry, about ways we can craft more effective, humane, and rational responses to sexual offenses, about law school, about civil rights advocacy, or anything, really.
Are you currently working to get Kentucky to change the policy to allow review/exception? It would seem there should be clear exceptions to being able to sit for the bar and if anything you would be such a candidate. If so, what has the reception been to this in the state legislature?
Thank you for doing this. I've sent this IamA to two people impacted by registry-related issues.
I'm not. My case is pretty much a dead end in KY as far as the bar is concerned. The KY Supreme Court is the last word as far as bar admission issues go, and they've indicated that I am not eligible to even apply so long as I appear on the registry. The only way to sit would be to come off the registry, and the only way that happens in KY is time passing or a pardon.
I have been working with the legislature, but understandably, legislators are very leery of making any moves that -- even if they are evidence-based -- could be perceived as being weak on sex offenders.
So, I think most of reform is going to come from the courts -- that belief informed my decision to push the lawsuit as opposed to work with the legislature for reform.
Don't get me wrong, I think legislators are generally well intentioned, but the political forces make touching any of this stuff akin to grabbing the third rail. No one wants to do it.
Does it ever haunt you, the damage that it certainly did to the actual little girls/children involved, when they were forced to participate in creating the terrible and traumatic images/videos that you used to "get your rocks off" to?
It's funny you should ask, because I recently had an experience where I was forced to confront that. I was heading to a conference on civil rights when I noted that there was a speaker on these issues who was also on the registry.
I researched his case, and because it was federal, the records and pleadings were available online. Unlike my case, his was a case of production, where he was setting up "modeling" websites and charging fees for what essentially amounted to softcore child pornography.
I realized that one of the girls that were his "models"...well, that I had seen her images. It was, apparently, her mother who had offered her to the producer, and in exchange, made money.
I never paid for anything, everything was available for free, not that made what I did any better.
It was difficult, for sure, because it made it real. So much of what I did, I did because I justified it (insane as it sounds) by telling myself that this wasn't really real. It all had this air of unreality to it. There was no denying the harm that she suffered.
I cried for a long time after I'd read the pleadings online. It's something I just have to carry, that I can't take back.
I applaud you for sharing. My son was released from prison 3 days ago after serving 2 years and 5 months of a 14 year sentence for 7 counts of possession of child pornography. He was barely 19 at the time of his arrest. I shared your post with him and he was taken back by the similarities of your story to his. He is ordered to register for 15 years. My questions for you could take hours so I want to know how you have overcome the obvious obstacles, housing, employment and acceptance into social circles?
Thanks for reaching out. I'm a regular redditor, and also on twitter, so feel free to message me any time if anything comes up that he or you have questions about.
This obviously isn't an easy road. People on the registry are the one class of person that are impelled by society to "reintegrate," and yet we have this patchwork of laws, regulations, and rules which work directly against that aim (one might say that our sex offender registry laws are intended to "work" to the extend that they keep people physically, economically, politically, and socially isolated and apart from society). It is a cruel proposition.
I think, early on, having a support network was really critical for me. That meant family and friends there to support me, to let me know that I was loved and cared for. Also, I don't know what issues that your son had that led to his offense, but getting involved in recovery for me was extremely beneficial. Beyond just stopping looking at porn, I learned a great deal about how to stop caring about what people thought about me (i.e., what others think about me just isn't any of my business).
I've generally taken the approach of being open and transparent when it was called for. I have never lied about my past. Sometimes that means that job offers get rescinded, or girlfriends vanish, etc. That stuff is painful, but at the end of the day, me having integrity is what matters. That doesn't mean that everyone needs to know everything at all times, so you have to be judicious in what to tell to whom, but if it ever comes up to the point where he has to make a choice whether to lie about it or not, my advice is to simply tell the truth.
It is hard, no doubt, but my experience is that people are generally disarmed by that level of honesty and vulnerability, and will meet you on the level of human to human, instead of human to monster. That might mean you're not going to get what you want, but that's okay. Then, perhaps, it wasn't meant for you.
That's how I got into law school, it's how I met my fiance, it's how I got my current job, it's how I live where I live, it's how I have the friends that I have, it's how I get to lay my head down on the pillow at night and feel clean. What the world may think of me isn't any of my business -- I'm going to continue to just do the next right thing. That's not to say that I don't fuck up, make mistakes, etc. I definitely do. I'm not perfect. But the difference is I own up to it now, clean it up as best I can, and the quality of mistakes that I make continue to be better and better.
So in short, I think it's going to require a lot of things -- a lot of courage, some faith, a bit of luck, and above all, persistence. Your son will be told no. He will get doors slammed in his face. People are ignorant and afraid when it comes to this stuff. He's going to have to keep moving forward, regardless. Persistence is the great equalizer.
Unfortunately, there is just no road map for this stuff. What we're doing to people is really unprecedented in both its scope and cruelty.
Oh, and back when I was in the media in 2014, some dude from St. Louis sent me this poem in the mail. I have a print of it on my wall at the office. It's If, by Rudyard Kipling:
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Hopefully some of that was helpful. If there's anything else I can do, just let me know. Best of luck.
Would you consider yourself to be a pedophile? Do you think there should be more support available for pedophiles who don't want to offend? Well done on your recovery x
I don't consider myself a pedophile. I looked at images of child pornography, but they were a small subset of a lot of other images I also looked at. For me, it was all about the porn. I've never seen a child in real life and felt attraction. My fiancé is 30, and I've always felt attraction towards my same age group.
That being said, I do think that people who are primarily minor-attracted should be afforded the opportunity to disclose that in an environment free from criminal liability. Vague mandatory reporting laws, I think, prevent people from seeking help and instead just trying to deal on their own.
I think the goals of such laws are laudable, but I think in practice, they may harm even as they help.
Hi GPHS, Thanks for posting this very insightful IAMA. I am a psychotherapist hoping to work with non-offending pedophiles, and I realize you just said you don't consider yourself in this group, but I'm wondering if you have any ideas where/how I could target this population? In case you have any insight from your time going through the legal system.
Hm. That’s a really interesting question. I’ve met a couple people who have identified as such, but as you know, they generally are too freaked out to reach out for help in light of the scope of mandatory reporting laws.
In every state there will be groups of treatment providers for people who have gone through the system. You could reach out to them, but of course, there would need to be an offense first. But I’d pick their brains at least.
Also I recall over the years reading the odd article here and there about self-creates support groups amongst non offending pedophiles, kind of similar to the COSA model I believe. I’m on my phone and swamped at the moment, but I would consider trying to run down the journos who have reported on those articles and pick their brains. Sorry I can’t be more help.
In my experience, it's best that way. If someone finds out another way, they may suspect that you're being dishonest, but it also really isn't something that you can open with (Hi, I'm Guy, and I'm on the sex offender registry). It's a delicate, catch-22-esque balance. I've certainly lost relationships over it, but that's okay. I think it's worked out in the end.
edit to add: It's actually how we met. I was working on a presentation I was going to give about sex offender registries, and had this stack of books sitting next to me in this coffee shop while I worked about sex offender laws, etc. She came up to me and started talking to me about them. So, I guess you could say, it's the whole reason we met.
A few years ago my sister was murdered along with her husband because he was a Sex Offender. I miss my sister every single day. I do not blame her husband for them getting killed but I think she did not know the risks. I did not hate her husband, he was a good man.
I see your engaged. Are you or her scared of getting hurt or killed? Do you all have children? Are you scared for them? I'm not trying to scare you or her, I just hate that people like my sister and her husband had to die because of a Registry.
I'm probably familiar with their case. I've given presentations where I talk a lot about specific cases of vigilantism and those risks. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Of course I am. Every day. She has a daughter, and I'm also concerned for her, and also what happens if people at her school find out I'm on the registry. I was bullied pretty badly as a kid, I do not want that visited on her for the mistakes that I made.
That being said, very early on, when things began to get serious, I laid it all out to my fiancé as dire as I could make it. I explained the risks, regarding law enforcement, regarding vigilantism, regarding homelessness, regarding anything else I could think of. I wanted her to make the decision on her own terms, and with as much information as I could give her.
They are my best friends, and I'd never recover if something happened to them. If I have to pay because of the choices I've made, that's fine, but not them.
So, short answer, yes, it keeps me awake some nights.
1 -- I have a passion for civil rights advocacy and criminal defense work. So, god willing, that's what I'll wind up doing one of these days.
2 -- It is possible. In fact, if I lived in a state that was compliant with federal law on registration, I'd be off the registry now. I am currently looking at moving out of Kentucky, which is sad because I've grown up here and love it, but Kentucky doesn't love me.
3 -- I did not serve time. I was given a probated sentence, which I was very fortunate to receive.
Can you provide some insight on how a society that imposes a 25-year sentence on you also treads lightly with Woody Allen and other known abusers?
In the tech circles there have been a lot of attention to the case of a cop held indefinetely in contempt of court because he failed to decrypt a hard drive that contains child pornography. Would you defend his 5th amendments rights?
Have you considered drafting a law that introduces different levels of punishment to sex offenders? I bet that if it showed to be harsher on actual abusers there would be support. "If Woody Allen ever enter Kentucky, he'd never leave!"
Have religion played any role on your rehab?
In a lighter tone: You look like the type of person who has nice tattoos, any you'd like to share??
And since this is your first time on Reddit: would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Thanks for your attention. Receive Internet hugs for being so open and working so hard to reform our society. LET'S WIN THE WAR ON SEX WITH MORE LOVE AND MORE SEX!
Can you provide some insight on how a society that imposes a 25-year sentence on you also treads lightly with Woody Allen and other known abusers?
Thanks for this question. It's actually something which really fascinates me. The short answer is that, obviously, I don't know. It's perplexing to me that some high profile cases of ostensible sexual abuse and violence (for instance, our current president, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly, Josh Duggar, on and on) are treated with a relatively soft touch, whereas much heavier ordinance is brought to bear on much more innocuous instances (for example, Lena Dunham relating an instance of sexual exploration in her childhood, John Grisham being forced to walk back very reasonable statements that he made about child porn laws).
At a more granular level, courts are replete with cases of people who technically violate a law relating to sex, but may or may not be a threat to anyone, but are nevertheless handed the civil death penalty.
The theory that I'm working with now is that I think there is a lot of hidden meaning and motivation at work with how we relate, on a macro level, to sex offenses. I think it's partially a sort of purification ritual -- that we have a list of monsters, and we're not on it, so therefore we acquit ourselves and our own desires of any suspicion. I don't think it is coincidental that Mark Foley or Anthony Weiner were movers and shakers when it came to cracking down on sex offenders, for example.
In the tech circles there have been a lot of attention to the case of a cop held indefinetely in contempt of court because he failed to decrypt a hard drive that contains child pornography. Would you defend his 5th amendments rights?
I'm familiar with his case. Of course I would. I think indefinite detention without end, be it under the guise of SVP civil commitment or contempt of court, is a violation of human rights. In his case, I also am personally of the opinion that he has a 5th Amendment right to refuse to incriminate himself by providing a password which may (or may not) reveal evidence of a crime -- irrespective of whatever one may believe about his explanation that he has forgotten the password.
If he actually has forgotten the password, what a nightmare for him.
Have you considered drafting a law that introduces different levels of punishment to sex offenders? I bet that if it showed to be harsher on actual abusers there would be support. "If Woody Allen ever enter Kentucky, he'd never leave!"
I am active in legislative lobbying and reform efforts, though that's slow going. I do think that there needs to be a greater level of flexibility than the current system offers.
I believe that punishment is a necessary component of redemption, but I also believe that these laws, as they stand, effectively foreclose the possibility of redemption. I think we do ourselves much more harm than good, collectively, when we support policies and laws which do not allow for someone to even be able to make amends and rehabilitate themselves. I get that not everyone who goes through the system will want that, or will be able to, but the opportunity should be available.
I also generally believe that the criminal justice system is just a really poor mechanism to effect societal change (see, e.g., the war on drugs). It is a great mechanism for the government to shore up power and authority, and my opinion is that many of the same motivations which undergirded the war on drugs are present in this new war on sex.
I mean, going back to your first question, there are all these instances of rich and powerful (or, not even rich and powerful) people committing these awful crimes without regard to the punishment.
I think our resources would be much better allocated, if we are truly interested in preventing sexual violence, towards education and prevention -- not more and more punishment -- given the extant research.
Have religion played any role on your rehab?
Yeah, it has. When I was arrested, I was a pretty militant atheist. I then got involved with 12-step recovery, which obviously has a reliance on a "higher power." I really struggled with the concept for a long time, before coming to an understanding that worked for me.
I also did begin attending an Episcopal church. It's a really long story how I wound up there, but I was really continuing to wrestle (and still do wrestle) with questions of God, of faith, of purpose, of providence. It is still very much an unfinished question for me, maybe always will be, but that's okay -- more will be revealed.
But I'd say spiritual growth has played a huge role for me, and I think, for people in this position, where you are hated and where you are hunted and where most doors are closed to you, you have to find some kind of faith to carry on.
I will also say that I was terrified what would happen if and when people in church found out. I had been up front with the priests about my story, and they did not blink an eye, but I didn't tell anyone else. I made the front page of the paper, and was trending on Fox News, and was in WaPo when the Supreme Court told me I could't take the bar. Going to church the next day, I had no idea what would happen, if I would even be allowed in to this community that I had come to call home.
What happened was sacred, to me. Two of the grandmotherliest people in the church came and sat next to me, flanking me on either side. One leaned in and whispered "We got your back."
During the peace, everyone came up to me and hugged me and told me I was in the right place.
You are always ready for the hatred. For the arrows. You put your armor on for it. I wasn't ready for the love, and it cut right through me. I collapsed to my knees and sobbed. It was a truly beautiful moment for me.
In a lighter tone: You look like the type of person who has nice tattoos, any you'd like to share??
And since this is your first time on Reddit: would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
Itshappening.gif. I'm a real human bean now. Probably one horse sized duck and just keep trying to sweep the legs, I'd guess. But I've never been much of a fighter, really.
Thank you for your questions -- really thought provoking for me and brought up a lot of good stuff. If you have more, feel free to ask.
I can help but feel that your attitude towards the whole child pornography situation and your involvement is along the lines of something similar to the drug war. In the sense that you dont see your self as the bad guy. In like a "i just got caught with the drug, dont waste your time on me you need to fight the real bad guys, the guys making the stuff".
Is that a fair analogy? Im sure youve spent alot of time doing reflecting. Do you see yourself on the same level as the people who produce the pornography or are they worse? Is there a level of involvement in the industry that would render someone unrehabable?
It's funny you make that analogy, because I just got done reading a book called The War on Sex, that kind of makes the case that this is sort of the new drug war. I think that there are certain analogies that can be drawn -- e.g., that there is a supply, and a demand, and that we're trying to largely stamp out the demand by imposing draconian criminal penalties.
I do think that people who possess child pornography are generally punished by proxy. What I mean by that is, if you look for example at the federal sentencing guidelines for child porn, what you will find is that the recommended sentence for your average "consumer" is miles higher than someone who physically abused a child.
I don't think that I'm blameless. I don't think that what I did should not have been a crime, but I also don't think that it is as severe as molesting a child or raping someone. I think we package up a lot of our cultural fears and anxieties into how we handle child pornography, which is reflected in a distinct lack of rationality on this issue.
For instance, child pornography can span the gamut between images of a naked 17 1/2 year old taking a selfie to images of a toddler being violently raped. I think that most people would agree that those images are vastly different in terms of the harm that they document as well as what they reflect about the person viewing them -- though the law treats them exactly the same. It is akin to treating someone who possesses a dime bag of weed and a blotter of acid to the same mandatory sentencing scheme.
I do think that people who produce child pornography bear more culpability than people who simply possess it, and I don't think that's tremendously controversial. Again, that's not to minimize or excuse my own conduct. I accept full responsibility for the things that I've done.
I don't think it is that folks needn't waste their time on me, but I also don't think I needed (or others in my position needed) to be handed what is effectively a life sentence. I think something in between those polar extremes would have been appropriate.
My personal belief is that we're not fit to determine who is and who isn't irredeemable. Once you start putting a list together of people who cannot be redeemed, you run the risk of finding yourself on it someday.
For instance, child pornography can span the gamut between images of a naked 17 1/2 year old taking a selfie to images of a toddler being violently raped. I think that most people would agree that those images are vastly different in terms of the harm that they document as well as what they reflect about the person viewing them -- though the law treats them exactly the same. It is akin to treating someone who possesses a dime bag of weed and a blotter of acid to the same mandatory sentencing scheme.
I think there at least needs to be the ability for courts and judges to peer beyond the title of offense to the individual circumstances of the case. Mandatory minimum sentencing, as we've seen from the drug war, tends to be a bit of a disaster. This is the same kind of thing.
A "child pornographer" can mean a hell of a lot of different things, from high school kids taking prurient selfies of themselves to send to their significant others to the sociopathic pedophile who abuses kids and documents that abuse.
I think most reasonable people can agree that there's a pretty big difference between the two in terms of harm that they're causing and response needed by society.
Of course. And there has been for a real long time in this country. The 80's satanic sex abuse panic is a real good cross-section on how we go about handling it.
Cant it be one of many criteria for whether or not something is good? Id consider a decision being arrived at through democratic deliberation rather than more stringent power relationships one among many virtues to consider.
What are the circumstances around people on the registry being barred from social media? Why was there are bar in place and why did you fight to over turn it?
In 2009, the Kentucky Legislature passed a law that prohibited anyone on the registry -- regardless of their offense or time that had passed since their conviction -- from using a wide variety of online services. The law was so vague that it was nearly impossible to determine what, actually, was banned, so myself and others just decided to not communicate online at all.
The ban was in place, ostensibly, to protect children. I think we all agree that keeping kids safe is a critical and laudable goal, but where I diverge from the political zeitgeist is that I believe we're badly misallocating our resources and attention. This law is a prime example -- research indicates that only a tiny fraction of those on the registry solicit minors online, and that the vast majority of cases of online solicitation are committed by first-time offenders. In other words, barring those on the registry from using social media sounds good, but does nothing to address the problem. Furthermore, it only burdens those who were seeking to obey the law -- if someone is determined to commit a crime, something like this ban will not stop them. Even worse, it essentially prevents an entire class of person from basically participating in modern society.
Social media, especially as seen from someone who hasn't been able to use it for almost the past decade, has become integral to political and civil participation, to social integration, to looking for a job, to getting news and staying informed.
The ban, as I saw it, was akin to saying people on the registry can't use a telephone or drive a car because they might seek out a victim.
I fought to overturn it because I deeply believed that it was wrong and that it was unconstitutional. I understand that I am not popular, nor are my peers, but popular or not, reintegration is key. To the extent that we can have people transition from the criminal justice system and back into society and become law-abiding, stake holding members of the community, we all win. I believed that these laws were significant obstacles to reintegration. Sex offenders, as against any other class of ex-con, are told to reintegrate into society while all our laws and policies more or less actively work against that aim.
I know you mentioned you disclosed this information to your law school, but I was wondering about your fellow students. Were they aware of your charges? If so, did you tell them or did they find out through other means? How did this effect your ability to compete on the teams you mentioned? As a lawyer, I know how political and gossip-y law school can be, so I'm interested in the social dynamics you had to deal with.
I saw you're looking at possibly taking the bar in other states. Through your research, have you learned about other individuals in a similar circumstance? Or are you an anomaly? Do you have a 'lead' on other states that may allow you to be admitted?
Did you study for the bar while waiting to hear about your C&F challenges? Did you discuss the possible issues of C&F with your law school before you decided to enroll, or did the idea that you may not be admitted not pop up until after you were started in school? How did you deal emotionally with the idea that you may not be able to practice law for a long time? Are you planning to take the KY bar in 17 years?
Some were. I was generally pretty open about my charges, and I knew it was public record anyway. Usually within a few weeks of making friends with folks, you have the "what're you in here for" talk, and I didn't lie. Law was not on the radar at all until my arrest. I made a lot of friends in law school, though there were some people who didn't like me, but there will always be people who don't like you for one reason or another. I chalked it up to what other people think about me isn't any of my business.
If it affected my ability, I didn't notice. I did get on the teams. Maybe it affected it in a roundabout way -- I knew I would have to work harder than anyone else in light of my past, so I worked my ass off. I also loved the experience of moot court and trial team, so it was easy to devote a lot of energy to it.
I've located a few individuals in similar circumstances, though they've all met similar fates -- have to be off the registry. Ironically, it seems more difficult to get disbarred if you're convicted as an attorney than it is to be denied if you commit your offense pre-law school. I do have a lead on a few states. I believe it'll happen, but of course, no one said it was going to be easy.
I did study, because the timing of it meant I had no idea if they were going to give me the thumbs up or down until it happened. I did discuss it with the deans and they said it wouldn't be an issue, and I went so far as to go to the office of bar admissions and explain my situation. They told me that the couldn't advise me one way or the other, so I just tried to do everything that was asked of me and more, including getting involved with the Lawyer Assistance Program, asking my professors for advice, etc. So, I was aware of the possibility, but decided to forge ahead anyway.
Emotionally, it was a huge blow. As someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past, there were a few weeks where I really struggled with wanting to continue on. However, someone much wiser than me told me that "what you do is more important than what you're called," and that always stuck with me.
Around the same time (circa 2014), I realized that I could use my position and experiences and training to help others -- to be an advocate. So I may not be practicing per se, but I suppose that this is just the path I'm supposed to be on presently.
And re: the KY bar...ha. I might. I'm probably not going to wait around in KY, however. My plan is to take the bar in another state relatively soon, and I think odds are decent I'll be able to. Perhaps I'll be able to waive back into KY via reciprocity in a few years, who knows.
Thanks for such an in-depth answer. I can only imagine how awful it must've felt to find out you couldn't sit for the bar. But I'm glad you've been able to push through it and find other ways to use your degree. I wish you luck on your future legal career!
I was prosecuted in state court, and received a sentence of 5 years, suspended for 5 years (so, 5 years probation basically). It was ended in 2010 because I'd done all that was asked of me and had no issues on supervision.
I realize that a lot of my opinions are controversial regarding the registry, but I'm more than happy to discuss if you'd like. And go Cats, indeed!
I was also unaware that you would eventually come off the registry, how is that length of time determined?
While I do think some cases, maybe such as yours, don’t warrant a registry past your probationary period as a parent I would want to know if a rapist was moving into my neighborhood. How would you suggest to handle these competing concerns?
That length of time is determined state by state. Some states have different lengths than others. For instance, if I lived in Maryland for example, I'd be off the registry now.
I totally get the concern. The problem, as I see it, is that registration and time lengths are not based at all on relative risk, but rather the title of the offense. "Rape," under the legal nomenclature, can mean a hell of a lot of different things. Depending on the circumstances, that person may, or may not, be a persistent risk.
Studies repeatedly show that those on the registry have one of the lowest rates of re-offense out of any class of criminal, and ~96% of reported and cleared sex offenses are committed by first-time offenders -- so while I agree that knowing that there's someone who committed a rape however long ago next door is good for feeling safe, it may not do anything in terms of actually making you safer.
I think that our polices and laws are really directed at punishment as opposed to prevention, and prevention is a much, much, trickier problem. There are people with much more expertise in this field than I, such as Elizabeth Letourneau, who advocate for education, social psychological, industrial, and systemic efforts as opposed to criminal justice approaches.
I feel that the justice system should not be focused on “revenge” or “punishment” but in prevention of crime and protection of the public. I would agree that the registry length should be based on the risk to the public which must not be great if supervision in the form of probation has ended.
This is not a subject I tend to think about often so it is interesting to hear about, thanks for that.
I agree with that -- that's where our aims should be, but I don't think that's where they are. In my view and experience, the system is largely set up to perpetuate more crime, and thereby justify its existence and the massive expenditures necessary to sustain it. But that's another story, and is applicable to more offenses than simply mine.
Thanks for your comment -- if you have any more specific questions I'm happy to answer to the best of my ability.
Studies repeatedly show that those on the registry have one of the lowest rates of re-offense out of any class of criminal, and ~96% of reported and cleared sex offenses are committed by first-time offenders -- so while I agree that knowing that there's someone who committed a rape however long ago next door is good for feeling safe, it may not do anything in terms of actually making you safer.
They were completely shocked. I mean no one had any idea really what I was up to. I was a relatively normal kid and young adult -- no one was like "we knew it all along."
I dreaded telling them, because I'd told myself all along that if anyone knew the truth, I'd be all alone. I believed that. It's what kept me trapped, kept me from asking for help. I believed I had to hide.
I remember being booked in at jail, and the officer telling me to call my parents and that they were trying to get ahold of me. So I called, on the row of phones in the booking area.
All my parents had known, as it turns out, was that I'd been arrested, it had something to do with sex, and something to do with a minor. They knew nothing else. My mom, when I called her, wanted to know what the charges were. I was surrounded by people a lot bigger and scarier than myself (I'd never been arrested before), and so I told her I couldn't say.
At any rate, it didn't matter. She immediately told me that her and dad loved me, that they were going to get me out of there, and to not do anything stupid (like die by suicide, which at the time, was very much at the forefront of my mind).
My bond was $15,000.00, and that was an enormous amount of money for them, but they got me out the next day. At my arraignment, when I was in the front of this packed courtroom and the judge read out my charges, I could feel the probably 100 or so people behind me staring daggers at me.
When the judge was finished explaining the conditions of my bond to me, I turned, and sure enough, saw everyone in the courtroom looking at me with disgust. I shoved my hands into my pockets and did my best to look at the ground as I made a beeline for the back door, and out of nowhere, I hear my father's voice in a tone that I'd never heard before.
"Get your hands out of your pockets. Keep your head up."
I'll never forget it. He was right there. My family, friends, and recovery are the only reasons I was able to make it through that time alive.
First off I applaud all your efforts and thank you for all your hard work. I have a few questions. So are all forms of social media okay for SOs to use now? What about ones that have terms of service that mention SOs, does the Supreme Court ruling trump their terms? And am I right in that no new social media usernames have to be reported to KSP or updated on the registry? Is there any way that this gets reversed again or that the AG will come out with a new law with much more specific wording? Asking all of this for a friend who would be affected by these new changes! Pm if you'd rather. Thanks.
The first amendment just protects against government infringement on free speech, but private entities like Facebook are free to do whatever they want. So if their policy is to ban people on the registry, then they can do that.
All this lawsuit does is say the government cannot ban you. Also, the decision notes that the portion of the law which requires identifiers to be reported is so vague that it is unconstitutional. So no identifiers need to be reported since it’s struck down. My experience with this law is that I have asked three different law enforcement agencies what needs to be reported and got three different answers. If the authorities don’t know what it means, how are we supposed to?
Couple caveats though. The decision is not final, meaning we don’t know if the state will appeal. If they do, I’ll be happy to dance with them. Believe they have ten days to decide so we will know by next week.
Also, yes, the state is free to draft new legislation to try to comply with the decision. Keep an eye on any new bills that get filed, and get involved with the legislature to educate them. Obviously we won’t know if that’s the route they go until something gets filed.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story! I'm currently going through an almost scary identical situation except my case was taken by the federal courts for use of a peer-to-peer software which constitutes interstate commerce and as such is outside the realm of state courts. Although I read so many cases where it appears totally random who gets the case state or federal. I had a few questions for you:
1) I've waived my right to a trial and have been on pre-trial release for nearly a year awaiting a plea deal and sentencing. How did you deal with the time when you're life is in limbo? As scary as sentencing is I'm ready to get it over with and move on.
2) I've considered law school as an option once I'm able to regain control of my life. I've read so many articles about people not being able to take the bar because they are registered or because they have a felony. If I decided to go to law school and wasn't allowed to take the bar exam could I still find work and be able to make a living using my legal education?
Again thank you for sharing your story. I hope to be fighting beside you soon! I totally understand what you mean when you say your arrest saved your life. My monsters are gone now and I feel alive for the first time.
I also wanted to say to your fiance how incredible they are to be standing beside you. I also have a fiance who is going through this with me and it hurts them equally but having someone to talk to and who you know has your back really makes all the difference.
Thanks! Fun fact: pretty much any child porn these days is going to involve the internet, and therefore fed jurisdiction. I do not know why I was not prosecuted by the feds. I guess they had bigger fish to fry. I realize I got very lucky.
1) I've waived my right to a trial and have been on pre-trial release for nearly a year awaiting a plea deal and sentencing. How did you deal with the time when you're life is in limbo? As scary as sentencing is I'm ready to get it over with and move on.
I totally get this. I don't think that there is really any way to make that limbo period not suck, but there are definitely ways to make it suck less. Exercise was a big one -- especially fun exercise. I played racquetball -- my dad had actually taught me and so we used to play as a family a few years before my arrest. So we all started going back out to the racquetball court -- it really was a salve for our mental states.
Also, I learned how to meditate during that time, and to try to stay in the present as much as possible and appreciate it. In the present moment, things are not that bad. It's when we get up in our head that we get freaked out and terrified about things that are not real yet.
But none of that is easy. I totally empathize with just wanting it to be over.
2) I've considered law school as an option once I'm able to regain control of my life. I've read so many articles about people not being able to take the bar because they are registered or because they have a felony. If I decided to go to law school and wasn't allowed to take the bar exam could I still find work and be able to make a living using my legal education?
Child porn is kind of the third rail of criminal justice issues, unfortunately. There are practicing lawyers and law profs who have been convicted of just about any other offense you can think of who get through character and fitness. That said, I'd never dissuade anyone from going for it.
If you're wanting to go to law school, some tips I have for you:
Be open and candid about your past and the facts of your case
Make sure whatever issues that you had that led to your arrest are dealt with BEFORE going to law school. Law school is not a conducive environment for recovery.
You're going to have to work twice as hard as any other law student will to overcome your past.
That said, a law degree is never a bad degree to have. It's the best general education that you can get. Just be mindful that it's also EXPENSIVE. I've found work in criminal defense doing just about everything but representing people in court, and am self-sufficient at it, and wouldn't have the job but for law school.
So it is possible, even if you don't practice, but obviously practicing is the goal.
This is a great thread! I know Guy personally. He is the real deal. If our society knew what was good for us, a state bar somewhere would be chomping at the bit to admit Guy as an attorney. His passion for the underdog and empathy for others is impressive.
With regards to the above poster, I think it might be a "good thing" that his case is taking a long time. Usually a good working rule of thumb is that prosecutors will waste no time with those who they want to throw the book at. Perhaps this may be a good sign for the above poster that they will show some flexibility (as much flexibility as is possible for an AUSA, which isn't much) in the plea negotiations. It also could be that they haven't completed digital forensics yet but one would think after a year, it would be done. Also, the longer he is on pretrial release, the more he is proving that he is following conditions of supervision which is a good talking point for his attorney. I agree with Guy that staying in the moment is absolutely essential during this "limbo" phase where you feel as if you are going through Dante's Inferno. Good luck to you, Truck970. I hope you too achieve your long term goal of becoming an attorney.
(Dude from the Great Lakes Region)
Forgiveness has been a journey, for sure. I've found I've hated myself for pretty much my whole life, which I think was really down to being bullied and sexually abused myself as a kid. Then, realizing I'd created harm to others, that added onto it.
I've found forgiveness through the process of recovery, through being open, through trying to make amends, and to use my story to try to be of service to other people.
I realize I can never take back any of the things that I have done -- none of us can -- but they are a part of me, a part of my story, for better or worse. I'm beginning to love myself and my story, even the aspects of it that are hard to tell.
My friends and family were all shocked, but they were all also intensely supportive. They were all there from the word go. I am incredibly fortunate, in that regard.
Congratulations on your recovery. Addiction to anything is no joke - I had a couple of friends who had addictions to drugs and alcohol. I'm glad you have finally made amends with yourself and you have dealt with your demons. I hope you pass the bar exam. All the best.
Thank you! Yeah, I just basically have the disease of addiction. I'm really grateful to be sober -- I feel a hell of a lot happier than I ever did before, even though now I have all the consequences to contend with. These, however, are the problems that I got sober to have.
I'm from K.Y. and also R.S.O. so I assume I can use reddit now to? O Well heres to my first reddit post ever.
so u don't watch any porn at all? not even legal porn? I was married and loved my wife but every now and then I gotta have something to mix it up u know, nothing against her or any othe woman, so if u don't watch porn how do you keep shit interesting in the bedroom? if thats too T.M.I. I get it but idk anybody who doesn't watch porn u know ha ha
how did ur girlfriends react to u being on the registry? I had one girl I liked alot tell me she would kill me if she saw me again after she found out, I had sex with a 15 year old who said she was 18 and that is what did me in. she treated me like I raped a 5 year old
do u have any trouble with women being attracted to you or wanting you??
does ur woman send u pics or do u take videos and if u do does that count as porn? do you all watch porn together?
is there a porn recovery group in eastern K.Y.?
Thank u man. I saw this on the news and a friend of mine sent me this link. sry I have never used reddit before and I.D.K. how all this works ha ha. but Thank U!!!!! we are Not all Monsters
I don't watch porn. I just treat it like an alcoholic would treat booze -- maybe for other people it's fine, but not for me. One drink is too many, and a thousand isn't enough as they say. As far as my relationship with my fiancé, I'll say that we connect really well with one another, though we also don't watch porn together. Sex, I'm beginning to understand is just another part of the conversation of a long term relationship.
As far as people reacting, I've been pretty fortunate, but I've also been pretty upfront with people. I've lost relationships for sure, but generally when I've been open and honest with people they haven't cared (at least not outwardly). At the end of the day, all you can do is be true to yourself and be decent to others -- what other people do is not anything you can control, and what they think of you (or me) isn't any of our business. We just do the next right thing.
As far as being attractive to other women, I have no idea. I'm generally pretty oblivious to if someone is flirting with me. Now I'm in a relationship, so I'm even more oblivious.
There might be a porn recovery group in EKY, I'm just not sure. If you google sex addiction recovery, you'll find a bunch of 12 step programs. I know Celebrate Recovery is pretty popular in EKY, there might be a CR meeting near you, though it tends to have a definite religious bent (though you might be fine with that).
And no, you're not a monster. You're no different than anyone else, friend. You're not what the state says you are, so don't believe it. Take care.
You need to speak with a parole officer. RSOs are required to respect the TOS of any site they sign up for, and Facebook is still off limits because of that.
I found local 12-step fellowships. If you hit google for meetings and sex addiction, you'll find hopefully local meetings but if not, online and telephonic resources.
It saved my life in a lot of different ways. It used to be that I could not go for 24 hours without looking at porn. It's now been years, and I don't have any filters or blocks or anything like that. I'm really grateful for being able to live a different way of life. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.
First, I want to say that you're amazing for doing this and sharing your story, and it's inspiring to those of us that have similar stories.
I have a couple questions- were you required to go to sex offender treatment as part of your probation? If so, what are your thoughts about it both from personal experience and as a legal sanction? And secondly, what kinds of things do you continue to do, and can others do to be involved in advocating for sex offender rights?
I was required to take part in a SOTP. I was fortunate, in that I had a therapist who was very much a therapist. I've heard horror stories from others where state-run SOTP programs are closer to an inquisition than therapy.
I've never actually given a great deal of thought to how I feel about it as a legal sanction in the abstract. I think that a number of SOTPs are more about trapping the person in a never ending criminal justice cycle as opposed to actually addressing whatever underlying issues that they have (e.g., insisting that a person confess all their victims and, if they only had just one, insisting that they must be lying and are therefore noncompliant and either get their supervision yanked or are deemed parole ineligible).
This AMA is one thing. I'm super leery about what might come of it, but my experience has been that, for people who I have shared my story with, it has always been a beneficial experience. I know that a lot of people in my position are just soaked in shame, and its toxic -- it paralyzes you. The only counter that I've found for it is to be open, and out, and honest. So, hopefully this helps others as much as it helps me.
I continue to be involved on various legal fronts, as well as lobbying legislatures, prison ministry, and am the VP of a state non-profit advocacy group related to the registry.
Mostly though, my advocacy is focused primarily on personal advocacy. Being me, and being decent to people, and being honest. When people expect one thing when they hear "sex offender," and you show them something completely different, it challenges their thinking about the issue in a way that no study or statistic ever could. That's just my experience, however.
It does help. Shame is a horrible feeling, and connection and understanding is something I think most people feel they are lacking in their lives around the time they commit a sex offense, and then is something we definitely feel we're no longer entitled to after we are in trouble.
Its interesting you say you're super leery about doing things like this and yet you do them! I think that's brave and powerful- but how do you deal with ignorance and fear when you encounter it?
I feel that the justice system should not be focused on “revenge” or “punishment” but in prevention of crime and protection of the public. I would agree that the registry length should be based on the risk to the public which must not be great if supervision in the form of probation has ended.
This is not a subject I tend to think about often so it is interesting to hear about, thanks for that.
I'm not sure what you mean by my condition. My addiction?
I wasn't imprisoned, but was given a probated sentence. I do think being arrested helped me though, because it was when I "hit bottom." It was when reality kicked me in the teeth strong enough to break through my pretty significant denial about what I was doing. I don't know if imprisonment would have done anything more than what being arrested already did.
I don't think being prohibited from taking the bar helped, or hurt, really. I continued on in my recovery regardless, and would have continued on if I had taken it (and plan to continue on if and when I do eventually take the dang thing).
Thanks for your questions! If I'm misinterpreting what you mean to ask, just let me know.
Can you still contribute... how do you say... when you're not taking a case, but you write a little bit of advice to the people who are taking the case? Amicus curiae!
Oddly enough, I honestly had convinced myself that what I was doing wasn't illegal. The photos that I had were not of sex acts, but nudity, and somewhere in my head, I justified that as being separate and apart from child pornography.
I realize that's just my insanity talking, but I was so convinced that what I was doing wasn't really illegal. I even remember, a couple weeks before my arrest, I read about a college student in town who was arrested for child porn. I remembered thinking "What a sicko," completely oblivious that I was doing the same thing. Addiction is a powerful thing, and so are the forces that enable it, like rationalization and denial.
Also, I speculate that I think I wanted to be caught. It was a really lonely and desperate life that I had, but I didn't see a way out. I was too afraid to ask for help, and I think, at some level, I was hoping I'd be found out.
Are there no laws regulating amicus curiae briefs?
Oh sure, I can't practice without a license, so I can't submit anything on anyone else's behalf. But, because I'm affected by the never-ending stream of laws related to the registry, I have what is termed in legal parlance, standing. So, for instance, with the lawsuit I just won, I got to use my fancy degree for my own behalf and in so doing (because it was a facial challenge) do it for everyone else in my position as well.
I also work in a variety of legal contexts as legal support, IT, helping with jury selection, death penalty mitigation, etc. Also civil rights advocacy. I stay busy, just not a ton of money, but that's all right.
So, I'm curious why you're forced to wait until 49 before taking the exam? I was under the impression that once you served your time, that was it. Punishment over, with a few Federal exceptions (owning a gun, etc.).
Because, under Kentucky law, that is how long I will be on the KY sex offender registry for. My period of not taking the bar has been tied to me being on the registry, so if I want to take it in KY, that's how long it's gonna be save for some change in the law.
This should be interesting.
I've made a promise to myself, years ago, that if and when I ever won this lawsuit, I was going to do this. So, here goes.
My name is Guy Padraic Hamilton-Smith. In 2006, when I was 22, I was arrested for possession of child pornography. I know that's going to shut a lot of people down right there, and I totally get that.
I'm responsible for my actions. Starting when I was a teen, I developed a really unhealthy relationship with porn. I was bullied pretty badly, and so I found retreating to the relative safety of the online world to be comforting.
Porn became an hours at a time thing for me. As time wore on, I found my way into different branches of it, different types of porn. One day, when I was in high school, I came across an image of a nude girl, probably 14 or so. At first, it kind of freaked me out because I had this dull awareness that it was wrong. As time wore on, the taboo nature of it drew me back, and I began to download that amongst pretty much everything else that I came across.
There were times when I'd delete everything and swear I'd not go back to any of it, but I could never stick with it. I was in pretty deep denial, while at the same time in grad school for clinical psychology (ironic). I was terrified to ask for help, and some part of me knew I needed it, but I couldn't ask.
So help came. My then-girlfriend stumbled across my pretty massive collection of porn, which included child pornography. She went to the police. I remember being in the interrogation room, and just crumbling. I confessed, and I felt so glad to finally be done lying about it.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the arrest saved my life, even in spite of the consequences that have flowed from that -- consequences which I accept complete and unequivocal responsibility for. It got me into recovery, and it showed me a calling that I never would have encountered otherwise -- law.
My experiences with the criminal justice system, as terrifying as they were for me personally, inspired me to apply to law school. I disclosed everything, and was accepted to the University of Kentucky. I did well, publishing a law review, competing on the National Trial Team and National Moot Court team, and getting a CALI award for my work with the Kentucky Innocence Project, and graduating in the top third of my class (while finishing felony probation and working two jobs).
I was denied the ability to sit for the bar exam by the Kentucky Supreme Court, however, until I am no longer present on the registry despite the fact that I have finished my criminal sentence. In Kentucky, I will be 49 yers old when I'm off the registry.
Rather than sit on my laurels, I have endeavored to do what I went to law school to do anyway: be an advocate. To that end, I have used my story, my experiences, and legal training to do what I can to advocate for more effective and humane sexual offense policies and laws, to help those who struggle with addiction, and to advocate for those who have no advocates.
Happily enough, I am a member of such a class, so while I cannot use my legal training to represent anyone else, I can use it on my own behalf. To that end, I am the plaintiff in a federal civil rights lawsuit in the Eastern District of Kentucky which overturned a group of Kentucky statutes that barred anyone on the registry from social media use (which occasions this AMA). You can read the decision here.
I have a lengthy story, with a lot of different aspects to it. AMA about my story, about recovery from porn addiction, about being on the registry, about ways we can craft more effective, humane, and rational responses to sexual offenses, about law school, about civil rights advocacy, or anything, really.
I'm scared as hell doing this, by the way, gang.
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Are you currently working to get Kentucky to change the policy to allow review/exception? It would seem there should be clear exceptions to being able to sit for the bar and if anything you would be such a candidate. If so, what has the reception been to this in the state legislature?
Thank you for doing this. I've sent this IamA to two people impacted by registry-related issues.
Thanks for your comment!
I'm not. My case is pretty much a dead end in KY as far as the bar is concerned. The KY Supreme Court is the last word as far as bar admission issues go, and they've indicated that I am not eligible to even apply so long as I appear on the registry. The only way to sit would be to come off the registry, and the only way that happens in KY is time passing or a pardon.
I have been working with the legislature, but understandably, legislators are very leery of making any moves that -- even if they are evidence-based -- could be perceived as being weak on sex offenders.
So, I think most of reform is going to come from the courts -- that belief informed my decision to push the lawsuit as opposed to work with the legislature for reform.
Don't get me wrong, I think legislators are generally well intentioned, but the political forces make touching any of this stuff akin to grabbing the third rail. No one wants to do it.
Does it ever haunt you, the damage that it certainly did to the actual little girls/children involved, when they were forced to participate in creating the terrible and traumatic images/videos that you used to "get your rocks off" to?
Yeah, it does.
It's funny you should ask, because I recently had an experience where I was forced to confront that. I was heading to a conference on civil rights when I noted that there was a speaker on these issues who was also on the registry.
I researched his case, and because it was federal, the records and pleadings were available online. Unlike my case, his was a case of production, where he was setting up "modeling" websites and charging fees for what essentially amounted to softcore child pornography.
I realized that one of the girls that were his "models"...well, that I had seen her images. It was, apparently, her mother who had offered her to the producer, and in exchange, made money.
I never paid for anything, everything was available for free, not that made what I did any better.
It was difficult, for sure, because it made it real. So much of what I did, I did because I justified it (insane as it sounds) by telling myself that this wasn't really real. It all had this air of unreality to it. There was no denying the harm that she suffered.
I cried for a long time after I'd read the pleadings online. It's something I just have to carry, that I can't take back.
I applaud you for sharing. My son was released from prison 3 days ago after serving 2 years and 5 months of a 14 year sentence for 7 counts of possession of child pornography. He was barely 19 at the time of his arrest. I shared your post with him and he was taken back by the similarities of your story to his. He is ordered to register for 15 years. My questions for you could take hours so I want to know how you have overcome the obvious obstacles, housing, employment and acceptance into social circles?
Thanks for reaching out. I'm a regular redditor, and also on twitter, so feel free to message me any time if anything comes up that he or you have questions about.
This obviously isn't an easy road. People on the registry are the one class of person that are impelled by society to "reintegrate," and yet we have this patchwork of laws, regulations, and rules which work directly against that aim (one might say that our sex offender registry laws are intended to "work" to the extend that they keep people physically, economically, politically, and socially isolated and apart from society). It is a cruel proposition.
I think, early on, having a support network was really critical for me. That meant family and friends there to support me, to let me know that I was loved and cared for. Also, I don't know what issues that your son had that led to his offense, but getting involved in recovery for me was extremely beneficial. Beyond just stopping looking at porn, I learned a great deal about how to stop caring about what people thought about me (i.e., what others think about me just isn't any of my business).
I've generally taken the approach of being open and transparent when it was called for. I have never lied about my past. Sometimes that means that job offers get rescinded, or girlfriends vanish, etc. That stuff is painful, but at the end of the day, me having integrity is what matters. That doesn't mean that everyone needs to know everything at all times, so you have to be judicious in what to tell to whom, but if it ever comes up to the point where he has to make a choice whether to lie about it or not, my advice is to simply tell the truth.
It is hard, no doubt, but my experience is that people are generally disarmed by that level of honesty and vulnerability, and will meet you on the level of human to human, instead of human to monster. That might mean you're not going to get what you want, but that's okay. Then, perhaps, it wasn't meant for you.
That's how I got into law school, it's how I met my fiance, it's how I got my current job, it's how I live where I live, it's how I have the friends that I have, it's how I get to lay my head down on the pillow at night and feel clean. What the world may think of me isn't any of my business -- I'm going to continue to just do the next right thing. That's not to say that I don't fuck up, make mistakes, etc. I definitely do. I'm not perfect. But the difference is I own up to it now, clean it up as best I can, and the quality of mistakes that I make continue to be better and better.
So in short, I think it's going to require a lot of things -- a lot of courage, some faith, a bit of luck, and above all, persistence. Your son will be told no. He will get doors slammed in his face. People are ignorant and afraid when it comes to this stuff. He's going to have to keep moving forward, regardless. Persistence is the great equalizer.
Unfortunately, there is just no road map for this stuff. What we're doing to people is really unprecedented in both its scope and cruelty.
Oh, and back when I was in the media in 2014, some dude from St. Louis sent me this poem in the mail. I have a print of it on my wall at the office. It's If, by Rudyard Kipling:
Hopefully some of that was helpful. If there's anything else I can do, just let me know. Best of luck.
Would you consider yourself to be a pedophile? Do you think there should be more support available for pedophiles who don't want to offend? Well done on your recovery x
I don't consider myself a pedophile. I looked at images of child pornography, but they were a small subset of a lot of other images I also looked at. For me, it was all about the porn. I've never seen a child in real life and felt attraction. My fiancé is 30, and I've always felt attraction towards my same age group.
That being said, I do think that people who are primarily minor-attracted should be afforded the opportunity to disclose that in an environment free from criminal liability. Vague mandatory reporting laws, I think, prevent people from seeking help and instead just trying to deal on their own.
I think the goals of such laws are laudable, but I think in practice, they may harm even as they help.
I agree, not being able to ask for help probably leads to offences being committed that otherwise could have been prevented. Thanks for your reply.
Thanks for your question!
Hi GPHS, Thanks for posting this very insightful IAMA. I am a psychotherapist hoping to work with non-offending pedophiles, and I realize you just said you don't consider yourself in this group, but I'm wondering if you have any ideas where/how I could target this population? In case you have any insight from your time going through the legal system.
Hm. That’s a really interesting question. I’ve met a couple people who have identified as such, but as you know, they generally are too freaked out to reach out for help in light of the scope of mandatory reporting laws.
In every state there will be groups of treatment providers for people who have gone through the system. You could reach out to them, but of course, there would need to be an offense first. But I’d pick their brains at least.
Also I recall over the years reading the odd article here and there about self-creates support groups amongst non offending pedophiles, kind of similar to the COSA model I believe. I’m on my phone and swamped at the moment, but I would consider trying to run down the journos who have reported on those articles and pick their brains. Sorry I can’t be more help.
does youre finace know about your history?
Uh-huh. It was one of the first things I told her about when we met.
thats good glad you were up front with her
In my experience, it's best that way. If someone finds out another way, they may suspect that you're being dishonest, but it also really isn't something that you can open with (Hi, I'm Guy, and I'm on the sex offender registry). It's a delicate, catch-22-esque balance. I've certainly lost relationships over it, but that's okay. I think it's worked out in the end.
edit to add: It's actually how we met. I was working on a presentation I was going to give about sex offender registries, and had this stack of books sitting next to me in this coffee shop while I worked about sex offender laws, etc. She came up to me and started talking to me about them. So, I guess you could say, it's the whole reason we met.
womantic
I am using a throw-away account for this one.
A few years ago my sister was murdered along with her husband because he was a Sex Offender. I miss my sister every single day. I do not blame her husband for them getting killed but I think she did not know the risks. I did not hate her husband, he was a good man.
I see your engaged. Are you or her scared of getting hurt or killed? Do you all have children? Are you scared for them? I'm not trying to scare you or her, I just hate that people like my sister and her husband had to die because of a Registry.
I'm probably familiar with their case. I've given presentations where I talk a lot about specific cases of vigilantism and those risks. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Of course I am. Every day. She has a daughter, and I'm also concerned for her, and also what happens if people at her school find out I'm on the registry. I was bullied pretty badly as a kid, I do not want that visited on her for the mistakes that I made.
That being said, very early on, when things began to get serious, I laid it all out to my fiancé as dire as I could make it. I explained the risks, regarding law enforcement, regarding vigilantism, regarding homelessness, regarding anything else I could think of. I wanted her to make the decision on her own terms, and with as much information as I could give her.
They are my best friends, and I'd never recover if something happened to them. If I have to pay because of the choices I've made, that's fine, but not them.
So, short answer, yes, it keeps me awake some nights.
[removed]
You're a really incredible person, you know. I'm really blessed you're in my life.
Thank you for this AMA. Very brave of you to do this. Very education for all of us.
Some questions:
What area of law do you want to practice once you pass the bar?
Is it possible to move to another state or territory that has less restrictive rules about registration?
Did you serve time in prison after your conviction?
Thanks!
1 -- I have a passion for civil rights advocacy and criminal defense work. So, god willing, that's what I'll wind up doing one of these days.
2 -- It is possible. In fact, if I lived in a state that was compliant with federal law on registration, I'd be off the registry now. I am currently looking at moving out of Kentucky, which is sad because I've grown up here and love it, but Kentucky doesn't love me.
3 -- I did not serve time. I was given a probated sentence, which I was very fortunate to receive.
Oh boy, I have so many questions.
Thanks for your attention. Receive Internet hugs for being so open and working so hard to reform our society. LET'S WIN THE WAR ON SEX WITH MORE LOVE AND MORE SEX!
I wish I had more answers for you, but here goes.
Thanks for this question. It's actually something which really fascinates me. The short answer is that, obviously, I don't know. It's perplexing to me that some high profile cases of ostensible sexual abuse and violence (for instance, our current president, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly, Josh Duggar, on and on) are treated with a relatively soft touch, whereas much heavier ordinance is brought to bear on much more innocuous instances (for example, Lena Dunham relating an instance of sexual exploration in her childhood, John Grisham being forced to walk back very reasonable statements that he made about child porn laws).
At a more granular level, courts are replete with cases of people who technically violate a law relating to sex, but may or may not be a threat to anyone, but are nevertheless handed the civil death penalty.
The theory that I'm working with now is that I think there is a lot of hidden meaning and motivation at work with how we relate, on a macro level, to sex offenses. I think it's partially a sort of purification ritual -- that we have a list of monsters, and we're not on it, so therefore we acquit ourselves and our own desires of any suspicion. I don't think it is coincidental that Mark Foley or Anthony Weiner were movers and shakers when it came to cracking down on sex offenders, for example.
I'm familiar with his case. Of course I would. I think indefinite detention without end, be it under the guise of SVP civil commitment or contempt of court, is a violation of human rights. In his case, I also am personally of the opinion that he has a 5th Amendment right to refuse to incriminate himself by providing a password which may (or may not) reveal evidence of a crime -- irrespective of whatever one may believe about his explanation that he has forgotten the password.
If he actually has forgotten the password, what a nightmare for him.
I am active in legislative lobbying and reform efforts, though that's slow going. I do think that there needs to be a greater level of flexibility than the current system offers.
I believe that punishment is a necessary component of redemption, but I also believe that these laws, as they stand, effectively foreclose the possibility of redemption. I think we do ourselves much more harm than good, collectively, when we support policies and laws which do not allow for someone to even be able to make amends and rehabilitate themselves. I get that not everyone who goes through the system will want that, or will be able to, but the opportunity should be available.
I also generally believe that the criminal justice system is just a really poor mechanism to effect societal change (see, e.g., the war on drugs). It is a great mechanism for the government to shore up power and authority, and my opinion is that many of the same motivations which undergirded the war on drugs are present in this new war on sex.
I mean, going back to your first question, there are all these instances of rich and powerful (or, not even rich and powerful) people committing these awful crimes without regard to the punishment.
I think our resources would be much better allocated, if we are truly interested in preventing sexual violence, towards education and prevention -- not more and more punishment -- given the extant research.
Yeah, it has. When I was arrested, I was a pretty militant atheist. I then got involved with 12-step recovery, which obviously has a reliance on a "higher power." I really struggled with the concept for a long time, before coming to an understanding that worked for me.
I also did begin attending an Episcopal church. It's a really long story how I wound up there, but I was really continuing to wrestle (and still do wrestle) with questions of God, of faith, of purpose, of providence. It is still very much an unfinished question for me, maybe always will be, but that's okay -- more will be revealed.
But I'd say spiritual growth has played a huge role for me, and I think, for people in this position, where you are hated and where you are hunted and where most doors are closed to you, you have to find some kind of faith to carry on.
I will also say that I was terrified what would happen if and when people in church found out. I had been up front with the priests about my story, and they did not blink an eye, but I didn't tell anyone else. I made the front page of the paper, and was trending on Fox News, and was in WaPo when the Supreme Court told me I could't take the bar. Going to church the next day, I had no idea what would happen, if I would even be allowed in to this community that I had come to call home.
What happened was sacred, to me. Two of the grandmotherliest people in the church came and sat next to me, flanking me on either side. One leaned in and whispered "We got your back."
During the peace, everyone came up to me and hugged me and told me I was in the right place.
You are always ready for the hatred. For the arrows. You put your armor on for it. I wasn't ready for the love, and it cut right through me. I collapsed to my knees and sobbed. It was a truly beautiful moment for me.
I have but two tattoos. The first is some Sanskrit I translated myself, so it probably means gibberish. The second is part of Frank X's Love Letter to the World on the back of my calf.
Itshappening.gif. I'm a real human bean now. Probably one horse sized duck and just keep trying to sweep the legs, I'd guess. But I've never been much of a fighter, really.
Thank you for your questions -- really thought provoking for me and brought up a lot of good stuff. If you have more, feel free to ask.
I can help but feel that your attitude towards the whole child pornography situation and your involvement is along the lines of something similar to the drug war. In the sense that you dont see your self as the bad guy. In like a "i just got caught with the drug, dont waste your time on me you need to fight the real bad guys, the guys making the stuff".
Is that a fair analogy? Im sure youve spent alot of time doing reflecting. Do you see yourself on the same level as the people who produce the pornography or are they worse? Is there a level of involvement in the industry that would render someone unrehabable?
It's funny you make that analogy, because I just got done reading a book called The War on Sex, that kind of makes the case that this is sort of the new drug war. I think that there are certain analogies that can be drawn -- e.g., that there is a supply, and a demand, and that we're trying to largely stamp out the demand by imposing draconian criminal penalties.
I do think that people who possess child pornography are generally punished by proxy. What I mean by that is, if you look for example at the federal sentencing guidelines for child porn, what you will find is that the recommended sentence for your average "consumer" is miles higher than someone who physically abused a child.
I don't think that I'm blameless. I don't think that what I did should not have been a crime, but I also don't think that it is as severe as molesting a child or raping someone. I think we package up a lot of our cultural fears and anxieties into how we handle child pornography, which is reflected in a distinct lack of rationality on this issue.
For instance, child pornography can span the gamut between images of a naked 17 1/2 year old taking a selfie to images of a toddler being violently raped. I think that most people would agree that those images are vastly different in terms of the harm that they document as well as what they reflect about the person viewing them -- though the law treats them exactly the same. It is akin to treating someone who possesses a dime bag of weed and a blotter of acid to the same mandatory sentencing scheme.
I do think that people who produce child pornography bear more culpability than people who simply possess it, and I don't think that's tremendously controversial. Again, that's not to minimize or excuse my own conduct. I accept full responsibility for the things that I've done.
I don't think it is that folks needn't waste their time on me, but I also don't think I needed (or others in my position needed) to be handed what is effectively a life sentence. I think something in between those polar extremes would have been appropriate.
My personal belief is that we're not fit to determine who is and who isn't irredeemable. Once you start putting a list together of people who cannot be redeemed, you run the risk of finding yourself on it someday.
Do you think there should be a legal distinction?
I do.
I think there at least needs to be the ability for courts and judges to peer beyond the title of offense to the individual circumstances of the case. Mandatory minimum sentencing, as we've seen from the drug war, tends to be a bit of a disaster. This is the same kind of thing.
A "child pornographer" can mean a hell of a lot of different things, from high school kids taking prurient selfies of themselves to send to their significant others to the sociopathic pedophile who abuses kids and documents that abuse.
I think most reasonable people can agree that there's a pretty big difference between the two in terms of harm that they're causing and response needed by society.
There is a moral panic about sexual crime.
Of course. And there has been for a real long time in this country. The 80's satanic sex abuse panic is a real good cross-section on how we go about handling it.
Democracy is bad.
Yeah there are never moral panics in autocracies.
Not defending them, but we shouldn't pretend like "democracy" is some inherently good ideal to uphold.
Something that's "more democratic" isn't necessarily better.
Cant it be one of many criteria for whether or not something is good? Id consider a decision being arrived at through democratic deliberation rather than more stringent power relationships one among many virtues to consider.
Hi Guy,
What are the circumstances around people on the registry being barred from social media? Why was there are bar in place and why did you fight to over turn it?
Thanks
In 2009, the Kentucky Legislature passed a law that prohibited anyone on the registry -- regardless of their offense or time that had passed since their conviction -- from using a wide variety of online services. The law was so vague that it was nearly impossible to determine what, actually, was banned, so myself and others just decided to not communicate online at all.
The ban was in place, ostensibly, to protect children. I think we all agree that keeping kids safe is a critical and laudable goal, but where I diverge from the political zeitgeist is that I believe we're badly misallocating our resources and attention. This law is a prime example -- research indicates that only a tiny fraction of those on the registry solicit minors online, and that the vast majority of cases of online solicitation are committed by first-time offenders. In other words, barring those on the registry from using social media sounds good, but does nothing to address the problem. Furthermore, it only burdens those who were seeking to obey the law -- if someone is determined to commit a crime, something like this ban will not stop them. Even worse, it essentially prevents an entire class of person from basically participating in modern society.
Social media, especially as seen from someone who hasn't been able to use it for almost the past decade, has become integral to political and civil participation, to social integration, to looking for a job, to getting news and staying informed.
The ban, as I saw it, was akin to saying people on the registry can't use a telephone or drive a car because they might seek out a victim.
I fought to overturn it because I deeply believed that it was wrong and that it was unconstitutional. I understand that I am not popular, nor are my peers, but popular or not, reintegration is key. To the extent that we can have people transition from the criminal justice system and back into society and become law-abiding, stake holding members of the community, we all win. I believed that these laws were significant obstacles to reintegration. Sex offenders, as against any other class of ex-con, are told to reintegrate into society while all our laws and policies more or less actively work against that aim.
Thanks for your questions!
I know you mentioned you disclosed this information to your law school, but I was wondering about your fellow students. Were they aware of your charges? If so, did you tell them or did they find out through other means? How did this effect your ability to compete on the teams you mentioned? As a lawyer, I know how political and gossip-y law school can be, so I'm interested in the social dynamics you had to deal with.
I saw you're looking at possibly taking the bar in other states. Through your research, have you learned about other individuals in a similar circumstance? Or are you an anomaly? Do you have a 'lead' on other states that may allow you to be admitted?
Did you study for the bar while waiting to hear about your C&F challenges? Did you discuss the possible issues of C&F with your law school before you decided to enroll, or did the idea that you may not be admitted not pop up until after you were started in school? How did you deal emotionally with the idea that you may not be able to practice law for a long time? Are you planning to take the KY bar in 17 years?
Some were. I was generally pretty open about my charges, and I knew it was public record anyway. Usually within a few weeks of making friends with folks, you have the "what're you in here for" talk, and I didn't lie. Law was not on the radar at all until my arrest. I made a lot of friends in law school, though there were some people who didn't like me, but there will always be people who don't like you for one reason or another. I chalked it up to what other people think about me isn't any of my business.
If it affected my ability, I didn't notice. I did get on the teams. Maybe it affected it in a roundabout way -- I knew I would have to work harder than anyone else in light of my past, so I worked my ass off. I also loved the experience of moot court and trial team, so it was easy to devote a lot of energy to it.
I've located a few individuals in similar circumstances, though they've all met similar fates -- have to be off the registry. Ironically, it seems more difficult to get disbarred if you're convicted as an attorney than it is to be denied if you commit your offense pre-law school. I do have a lead on a few states. I believe it'll happen, but of course, no one said it was going to be easy.
I did study, because the timing of it meant I had no idea if they were going to give me the thumbs up or down until it happened. I did discuss it with the deans and they said it wouldn't be an issue, and I went so far as to go to the office of bar admissions and explain my situation. They told me that the couldn't advise me one way or the other, so I just tried to do everything that was asked of me and more, including getting involved with the Lawyer Assistance Program, asking my professors for advice, etc. So, I was aware of the possibility, but decided to forge ahead anyway.
Emotionally, it was a huge blow. As someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past, there were a few weeks where I really struggled with wanting to continue on. However, someone much wiser than me told me that "what you do is more important than what you're called," and that always stuck with me.
Around the same time (circa 2014), I realized that I could use my position and experiences and training to help others -- to be an advocate. So I may not be practicing per se, but I suppose that this is just the path I'm supposed to be on presently.
And re: the KY bar...ha. I might. I'm probably not going to wait around in KY, however. My plan is to take the bar in another state relatively soon, and I think odds are decent I'll be able to. Perhaps I'll be able to waive back into KY via reciprocity in a few years, who knows.
Thanks for such an in-depth answer. I can only imagine how awful it must've felt to find out you couldn't sit for the bar. But I'm glad you've been able to push through it and find other ways to use your degree. I wish you luck on your future legal career!
Thanks!
What was you actual sentence after you pled guilty?
Well I don’t know if I would support the abolishment of the registry I do support more social services in our justice system generally.
If nothing else we can agree on the fact that UK is the greatest basketball team of all time. Go Cats!
Good luck in your life and I hope your recovery continues to go well.
I was prosecuted in state court, and received a sentence of 5 years, suspended for 5 years (so, 5 years probation basically). It was ended in 2010 because I'd done all that was asked of me and had no issues on supervision.
I realize that a lot of my opinions are controversial regarding the registry, but I'm more than happy to discuss if you'd like. And go Cats, indeed!
I was also unaware that you would eventually come off the registry, how is that length of time determined?
While I do think some cases, maybe such as yours, don’t warrant a registry past your probationary period as a parent I would want to know if a rapist was moving into my neighborhood. How would you suggest to handle these competing concerns?
Thanks for the question!
That length of time is determined state by state. Some states have different lengths than others. For instance, if I lived in Maryland for example, I'd be off the registry now.
I totally get the concern. The problem, as I see it, is that registration and time lengths are not based at all on relative risk, but rather the title of the offense. "Rape," under the legal nomenclature, can mean a hell of a lot of different things. Depending on the circumstances, that person may, or may not, be a persistent risk.
Studies repeatedly show that those on the registry have one of the lowest rates of re-offense out of any class of criminal, and ~96% of reported and cleared sex offenses are committed by first-time offenders -- so while I agree that knowing that there's someone who committed a rape however long ago next door is good for feeling safe, it may not do anything in terms of actually making you safer.
I think that our polices and laws are really directed at punishment as opposed to prevention, and prevention is a much, much, trickier problem. There are people with much more expertise in this field than I, such as Elizabeth Letourneau, who advocate for education, social psychological, industrial, and systemic efforts as opposed to criminal justice approaches.
I feel that the justice system should not be focused on “revenge” or “punishment” but in prevention of crime and protection of the public. I would agree that the registry length should be based on the risk to the public which must not be great if supervision in the form of probation has ended.
This is not a subject I tend to think about often so it is interesting to hear about, thanks for that.
I agree with that -- that's where our aims should be, but I don't think that's where they are. In my view and experience, the system is largely set up to perpetuate more crime, and thereby justify its existence and the massive expenditures necessary to sustain it. But that's another story, and is applicable to more offenses than simply mine.
Thanks for your comment -- if you have any more specific questions I'm happy to answer to the best of my ability.
Good point.
How did your family respond to when you were arrested for possession of child pornography?
They were completely shocked. I mean no one had any idea really what I was up to. I was a relatively normal kid and young adult -- no one was like "we knew it all along."
I dreaded telling them, because I'd told myself all along that if anyone knew the truth, I'd be all alone. I believed that. It's what kept me trapped, kept me from asking for help. I believed I had to hide.
I remember being booked in at jail, and the officer telling me to call my parents and that they were trying to get ahold of me. So I called, on the row of phones in the booking area.
All my parents had known, as it turns out, was that I'd been arrested, it had something to do with sex, and something to do with a minor. They knew nothing else. My mom, when I called her, wanted to know what the charges were. I was surrounded by people a lot bigger and scarier than myself (I'd never been arrested before), and so I told her I couldn't say.
At any rate, it didn't matter. She immediately told me that her and dad loved me, that they were going to get me out of there, and to not do anything stupid (like die by suicide, which at the time, was very much at the forefront of my mind).
My bond was $15,000.00, and that was an enormous amount of money for them, but they got me out the next day. At my arraignment, when I was in the front of this packed courtroom and the judge read out my charges, I could feel the probably 100 or so people behind me staring daggers at me.
When the judge was finished explaining the conditions of my bond to me, I turned, and sure enough, saw everyone in the courtroom looking at me with disgust. I shoved my hands into my pockets and did my best to look at the ground as I made a beeline for the back door, and out of nowhere, I hear my father's voice in a tone that I'd never heard before.
"Get your hands out of your pockets. Keep your head up."
I'll never forget it. He was right there. My family, friends, and recovery are the only reasons I was able to make it through that time alive.
First off I applaud all your efforts and thank you for all your hard work. I have a few questions. So are all forms of social media okay for SOs to use now? What about ones that have terms of service that mention SOs, does the Supreme Court ruling trump their terms? And am I right in that no new social media usernames have to be reported to KSP or updated on the registry? Is there any way that this gets reversed again or that the AG will come out with a new law with much more specific wording? Asking all of this for a friend who would be affected by these new changes! Pm if you'd rather. Thanks.
Thanks!
The first amendment just protects against government infringement on free speech, but private entities like Facebook are free to do whatever they want. So if their policy is to ban people on the registry, then they can do that.
All this lawsuit does is say the government cannot ban you. Also, the decision notes that the portion of the law which requires identifiers to be reported is so vague that it is unconstitutional. So no identifiers need to be reported since it’s struck down. My experience with this law is that I have asked three different law enforcement agencies what needs to be reported and got three different answers. If the authorities don’t know what it means, how are we supposed to?
Couple caveats though. The decision is not final, meaning we don’t know if the state will appeal. If they do, I’ll be happy to dance with them. Believe they have ten days to decide so we will know by next week.
Also, yes, the state is free to draft new legislation to try to comply with the decision. Keep an eye on any new bills that get filed, and get involved with the legislature to educate them. Obviously we won’t know if that’s the route they go until something gets filed.
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story! I'm currently going through an almost scary identical situation except my case was taken by the federal courts for use of a peer-to-peer software which constitutes interstate commerce and as such is outside the realm of state courts. Although I read so many cases where it appears totally random who gets the case state or federal. I had a few questions for you:
1) I've waived my right to a trial and have been on pre-trial release for nearly a year awaiting a plea deal and sentencing. How did you deal with the time when you're life is in limbo? As scary as sentencing is I'm ready to get it over with and move on.
2) I've considered law school as an option once I'm able to regain control of my life. I've read so many articles about people not being able to take the bar because they are registered or because they have a felony. If I decided to go to law school and wasn't allowed to take the bar exam could I still find work and be able to make a living using my legal education?
Again thank you for sharing your story. I hope to be fighting beside you soon! I totally understand what you mean when you say your arrest saved your life. My monsters are gone now and I feel alive for the first time.
I also wanted to say to your fiance how incredible they are to be standing beside you. I also have a fiance who is going through this with me and it hurts them equally but having someone to talk to and who you know has your back really makes all the difference.
Thanks! Fun fact: pretty much any child porn these days is going to involve the internet, and therefore fed jurisdiction. I do not know why I was not prosecuted by the feds. I guess they had bigger fish to fry. I realize I got very lucky.
I totally get this. I don't think that there is really any way to make that limbo period not suck, but there are definitely ways to make it suck less. Exercise was a big one -- especially fun exercise. I played racquetball -- my dad had actually taught me and so we used to play as a family a few years before my arrest. So we all started going back out to the racquetball court -- it really was a salve for our mental states.
Also, I learned how to meditate during that time, and to try to stay in the present as much as possible and appreciate it. In the present moment, things are not that bad. It's when we get up in our head that we get freaked out and terrified about things that are not real yet.
But none of that is easy. I totally empathize with just wanting it to be over.
Child porn is kind of the third rail of criminal justice issues, unfortunately. There are practicing lawyers and law profs who have been convicted of just about any other offense you can think of who get through character and fitness. That said, I'd never dissuade anyone from going for it.
If you're wanting to go to law school, some tips I have for you:
That said, a law degree is never a bad degree to have. It's the best general education that you can get. Just be mindful that it's also EXPENSIVE. I've found work in criminal defense doing just about everything but representing people in court, and am self-sufficient at it, and wouldn't have the job but for law school.
So it is possible, even if you don't practice, but obviously practicing is the goal.
Thanks for your comment. Best of luck to you.
This is a great thread! I know Guy personally. He is the real deal. If our society knew what was good for us, a state bar somewhere would be chomping at the bit to admit Guy as an attorney. His passion for the underdog and empathy for others is impressive.
With regards to the above poster, I think it might be a "good thing" that his case is taking a long time. Usually a good working rule of thumb is that prosecutors will waste no time with those who they want to throw the book at. Perhaps this may be a good sign for the above poster that they will show some flexibility (as much flexibility as is possible for an AUSA, which isn't much) in the plea negotiations. It also could be that they haven't completed digital forensics yet but one would think after a year, it would be done. Also, the longer he is on pretrial release, the more he is proving that he is following conditions of supervision which is a good talking point for his attorney. I agree with Guy that staying in the moment is absolutely essential during this "limbo" phase where you feel as if you are going through Dante's Inferno. Good luck to you, Truck970. I hope you too achieve your long term goal of becoming an attorney. (Dude from the Great Lakes Region)
No idea who you are, but thank you for the great vote of confidence.
How did you forgive yourself (that is, if you have) for this? What were your friends and family's reaction when they found out?
Forgiveness has been a journey, for sure. I've found I've hated myself for pretty much my whole life, which I think was really down to being bullied and sexually abused myself as a kid. Then, realizing I'd created harm to others, that added onto it.
I've found forgiveness through the process of recovery, through being open, through trying to make amends, and to use my story to try to be of service to other people.
I realize I can never take back any of the things that I have done -- none of us can -- but they are a part of me, a part of my story, for better or worse. I'm beginning to love myself and my story, even the aspects of it that are hard to tell.
My friends and family were all shocked, but they were all also intensely supportive. They were all there from the word go. I am incredibly fortunate, in that regard.
Congratulations on your recovery. Addiction to anything is no joke - I had a couple of friends who had addictions to drugs and alcohol. I'm glad you have finally made amends with yourself and you have dealt with your demons. I hope you pass the bar exam. All the best.
Thank you! Yeah, I just basically have the disease of addiction. I'm really grateful to be sober -- I feel a hell of a lot happier than I ever did before, even though now I have all the consequences to contend with. These, however, are the problems that I got sober to have.
What are your thoughts on recovery from pedophilia? Is it possible? Is it, and/or porn addiction, aided or hindered by things like sex robots?
I'm from K.Y. and also R.S.O. so I assume I can use reddit now to? O Well heres to my first reddit post ever.
Thank u man. I saw this on the news and a friend of mine sent me this link. sry I have never used reddit before and I.D.K. how all this works ha ha. but Thank U!!!!! we are Not all Monsters
Welcome to Reddit!
I don't watch porn. I just treat it like an alcoholic would treat booze -- maybe for other people it's fine, but not for me. One drink is too many, and a thousand isn't enough as they say. As far as my relationship with my fiancé, I'll say that we connect really well with one another, though we also don't watch porn together. Sex, I'm beginning to understand is just another part of the conversation of a long term relationship.
As far as people reacting, I've been pretty fortunate, but I've also been pretty upfront with people. I've lost relationships for sure, but generally when I've been open and honest with people they haven't cared (at least not outwardly). At the end of the day, all you can do is be true to yourself and be decent to others -- what other people do is not anything you can control, and what they think of you (or me) isn't any of our business. We just do the next right thing.
As far as being attractive to other women, I have no idea. I'm generally pretty oblivious to if someone is flirting with me. Now I'm in a relationship, so I'm even more oblivious.
There might be a porn recovery group in EKY, I'm just not sure. If you google sex addiction recovery, you'll find a bunch of 12 step programs. I know Celebrate Recovery is pretty popular in EKY, there might be a CR meeting near you, though it tends to have a definite religious bent (though you might be fine with that).
And no, you're not a monster. You're no different than anyone else, friend. You're not what the state says you are, so don't believe it. Take care.
You need to speak with a parole officer. RSOs are required to respect the TOS of any site they sign up for, and Facebook is still off limits because of that.
How exactly did you recover from porn addiction? I have some trouble with it myself.
I found local 12-step fellowships. If you hit google for meetings and sex addiction, you'll find hopefully local meetings but if not, online and telephonic resources.
It saved my life in a lot of different ways. It used to be that I could not go for 24 hours without looking at porn. It's now been years, and I don't have any filters or blocks or anything like that. I'm really grateful for being able to live a different way of life. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.
First, I want to say that you're amazing for doing this and sharing your story, and it's inspiring to those of us that have similar stories.
I have a couple questions- were you required to go to sex offender treatment as part of your probation? If so, what are your thoughts about it both from personal experience and as a legal sanction? And secondly, what kinds of things do you continue to do, and can others do to be involved in advocating for sex offender rights?
Thank you -- I'm really humbled by your words.
I was required to take part in a SOTP. I was fortunate, in that I had a therapist who was very much a therapist. I've heard horror stories from others where state-run SOTP programs are closer to an inquisition than therapy.
I've never actually given a great deal of thought to how I feel about it as a legal sanction in the abstract. I think that a number of SOTPs are more about trapping the person in a never ending criminal justice cycle as opposed to actually addressing whatever underlying issues that they have (e.g., insisting that a person confess all their victims and, if they only had just one, insisting that they must be lying and are therefore noncompliant and either get their supervision yanked or are deemed parole ineligible).
This AMA is one thing. I'm super leery about what might come of it, but my experience has been that, for people who I have shared my story with, it has always been a beneficial experience. I know that a lot of people in my position are just soaked in shame, and its toxic -- it paralyzes you. The only counter that I've found for it is to be open, and out, and honest. So, hopefully this helps others as much as it helps me.
I continue to be involved on various legal fronts, as well as lobbying legislatures, prison ministry, and am the VP of a state non-profit advocacy group related to the registry.
Mostly though, my advocacy is focused primarily on personal advocacy. Being me, and being decent to people, and being honest. When people expect one thing when they hear "sex offender," and you show them something completely different, it challenges their thinking about the issue in a way that no study or statistic ever could. That's just my experience, however.
It does help. Shame is a horrible feeling, and connection and understanding is something I think most people feel they are lacking in their lives around the time they commit a sex offense, and then is something we definitely feel we're no longer entitled to after we are in trouble.
Its interesting you say you're super leery about doing things like this and yet you do them! I think that's brave and powerful- but how do you deal with ignorance and fear when you encounter it?
I feel that the justice system should not be focused on “revenge” or “punishment” but in prevention of crime and protection of the public. I would agree that the registry length should be based on the risk to the public which must not be great if supervision in the form of probation has ended.
This is not a subject I tend to think about often so it is interesting to hear about, thanks for that.
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I'm not sure what you mean by my condition. My addiction?
I wasn't imprisoned, but was given a probated sentence. I do think being arrested helped me though, because it was when I "hit bottom." It was when reality kicked me in the teeth strong enough to break through my pretty significant denial about what I was doing. I don't know if imprisonment would have done anything more than what being arrested already did.
I don't think being prohibited from taking the bar helped, or hurt, really. I continued on in my recovery regardless, and would have continued on if I had taken it (and plan to continue on if and when I do eventually take the dang thing).
Thanks for your questions! If I'm misinterpreting what you mean to ask, just let me know.
Why didn't you use good OPSEC?
Can you still contribute... how do you say... when you're not taking a case, but you write a little bit of advice to the people who are taking the case? Amicus curiae!
I’m not sure I understand what you mean by opsec.
And yes, I still find a ton of ways to stay busy using my legal training. I’m definitely not short for work.
Why didn't you take measures to protect your privacy, like putting a password on your computer and encrypting your hard drive, for example?
Are there no laws regulating amicus curiae briefs?
Gotchya.
Oddly enough, I honestly had convinced myself that what I was doing wasn't illegal. The photos that I had were not of sex acts, but nudity, and somewhere in my head, I justified that as being separate and apart from child pornography.
I realize that's just my insanity talking, but I was so convinced that what I was doing wasn't really illegal. I even remember, a couple weeks before my arrest, I read about a college student in town who was arrested for child porn. I remembered thinking "What a sicko," completely oblivious that I was doing the same thing. Addiction is a powerful thing, and so are the forces that enable it, like rationalization and denial.
Also, I speculate that I think I wanted to be caught. It was a really lonely and desperate life that I had, but I didn't see a way out. I was too afraid to ask for help, and I think, at some level, I was hoping I'd be found out.
Oh sure, I can't practice without a license, so I can't submit anything on anyone else's behalf. But, because I'm affected by the never-ending stream of laws related to the registry, I have what is termed in legal parlance, standing. So, for instance, with the lawsuit I just won, I got to use my fancy degree for my own behalf and in so doing (because it was a facial challenge) do it for everyone else in my position as well.
I also work in a variety of legal contexts as legal support, IT, helping with jury selection, death penalty mitigation, etc. Also civil rights advocacy. I stay busy, just not a ton of money, but that's all right.
Can you take the bar exam in another state?
It's possible. I'm actually working on a few ideas for that now so I don't have to wait another sixteen or so years to practice.
So, I'm curious why you're forced to wait until 49 before taking the exam? I was under the impression that once you served your time, that was it. Punishment over, with a few Federal exceptions (owning a gun, etc.).
Because, under Kentucky law, that is how long I will be on the KY sex offender registry for. My period of not taking the bar has been tied to me being on the registry, so if I want to take it in KY, that's how long it's gonna be save for some change in the law.
edit: and that was my impression too!
So, you could take the exam in another state if you want to?
It is possible. I'm currently working on trying to figure out how to maybe make that happen. It beats waiting for Kentucky to change its mind.
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